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Sorry my blog has become so health oriented. As soon as I'm feeling better I'll try to do something better. Right now it seems like it hurts to breathe sometimes much less think.
I had a HORRIBLE past few days. I've had a headache since last Thursday that just basically put me in the bed. I've only done what I absolutely had to. I tried Imitrex, Lortab, everything....none of it helped. I almost went to the ER Sunday but held out til Monday. I called my doctor. They told me to come in Tuesday morning for a shot, so I did. Yesterday morning I got a Demerol/Phenergen shot. Now it made me basically unconscious all day yesterday but I still woke up today with my headache. It feels like someone is stabbing me in the head with a dull knife. Oh my word it is hurting. I'm having an MRI this afternoon. A friend of mine was having similar symptoms and after having MRI, discovered she was having severe sinus infections that were causing her brain to swell. Maybe that's what mine will be and we can get me a good dose of antibiotics and get rid of this. I don't know. If the MRI shows nothing, I'll probably just cry..... I just want this to stop...... Ugh.
Just to let you know I heard from the doctor's office this morning and my blood work was ok, so my lupus counts are not spiked. So, we'll see how the meds work. So far, no change. Still having headaches, still having problems with my eyes.
Well, the cat is out of the bag (thanks, Grant...) and so just to get everyone on the same page, make sure no one feels left out, and try to update as many people at one time, here is what has been going on with me. And my head.
When I was playing Michelangelo and painting on the ceiling, I started getting vertigo. I thought it was related to the painting, and it probably was. But I have gotten it several other times since then. Then, starting about 2 months ago...maybe? I started getting headaches. Bad headaches. Always starting in about the same spot, and always felt the same. Added to this is the fact that I have horrendous neck spasms I've been treated for on and off for probably 3 or 4 years. I've been to the ER before they get so bad. Then, around the end of November, first part of December, I was glanced at my reflection as I passed a mirror in our house. I had to stop and look again to make sure I wasn't crazy. My left pupil was almost the size as my entire iris, and my right pupil was tiny. I looked like a freak. Since then, my pupils have continued being asymmetrical. I had a doctor's appt Christmas Eve that was already scheduled, so I just decided to wait. My headaches got worse.
When I went to the doctor on Christmas Eve, the doctor noticed my eyes immediately. He ordered a CT scan, and wanted me to consult with an ophthalmologist as well. I had the CT scan done and saw the opthalmologist New Year's Eve. The opthal. also, of course, saw the problem with my pupils. However, my vision is perfect, and the CT scan was clear. He said the problem with my eyes had nothing to do with my vision, and that it was a neurological problem. He wanted me to have an MRI because it shows the brain better, and have a neurologist see me. I was supposed to go back Jan. 20 to see if my eyes were the same and then he was going to order those 2 things.
As of yesterday, my eyes were still the same, and the headaches were getting worse. I went back to my original doctor because I didn't feel the need to go back to the specialist since my vision was fine (and he costs a fortune!) and these were the decisions made yesterday:
Dr. Hollister does not want to do the MRI just yet. He wants to try a couple of things. One, he has decided that the headaches are definitely not tension headaches or muscle related, because the muscle relaxers are not phasing them. (I keep a headache every single day, all day. It dulls occasionally but never goes away. Sometimes it shoots stabbing pains through my head.) So he wants to try me for 5 weeks on Topamax. He also is doing bloodwork to see if my Lupus is involved in anyway. If any of the levels in my bloodwork are off, he is going to order more tests focused around what the lupus is doing to me. In 5 weeks, Feb 20, I will go back to re-evaluate. That is contingent upon there being no changes in my condition, and the bloodwork they are waiting on.
So now you all know as much as I do. I'm frustrated, but trying to be patient. My head hurts. Bad. And my vision is blurred a lot, and that's frustrating for me too. But I'm going to see what happens with the path he wants to take right now. I'll let you all know, and keep you posted if anything changes.
I wasn't trying to keep this from anyone, I just don't like dealing with stuff like this sometimes, and I didn't want to get anyone all worried about me. I also don't like anyone to think I'm one of those people who has to let everyone know when they have the slightest thing wrong with them.... I don't mean that bad, I'm just saying. I can actually be kind of private about some things. I think it is a defense mechanism.... my fragile little psyche can't always deal with things and I just close up and pull inside of myself to deal with some things. I know that's hard to understand...but it's me. I internalize, and that's good and bad and I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings.
But anyway, this post and the last are just pathetically not funny or fun or sassy..... it's 20 degrees in Mississippi so maybe that's it! I will try to think of something good and do another post really soon! :)
and the countdown is on...... Steven leaves in 18 days..... sigh.
see her smile but not in her eyes
yes that smile that never reaches her eyes
i'd never seen anyone so dead inside
and i did it
i know i've killed her
still she moves and cruelly her heart still beats
but i killed anything in her that was ever sweet
or good or happy
i stole her joy to save myself
and now
now she has nothing left
she wishes she could stop breathing
but she's too weak to do it
she thinks maybe if
she keeps living
i might change my mind....
sorry for the morbidity ..... i've been kinda mopey lately. guess its the weather. or the doctor's offices. been listening to too much music and reading (twilight, dang it... guess that's what made the above song appeal to me-reminded me of it) too much!!! but it brought up a part of me that some people know about me and some people don't. I'm obsessed with music. I don't get to spend nearly enough time in it as I'd like to. But I don't just like music. I like the lyrics, the sounds.... each individual instrument and how they sound together. I love unpredictable elements like strings in rock music.... one of the reasons I like Yellowcard. I love indie groups and stuff that's way overplayed. I like rock, pop, classical, hard rock, alternative, college, everything.... although I don't care for country much. I try to get past it but I can't. If I hear a song I like I go research lyrics.... usually, if the lyrics aren't any good, I kinda get over it pretty quick. I listen to things that other people don't. I listen to stuff that most people tell me I'm too old for. Which is just simply ridiculous to me. What in the world makes me "too old" to listen to music? A 15 year old boy can write a song that could appeal to me as easily as a 40 year old woman. It depends on what it says.... not who writes it. I love to find out about new stuff or old stuff I didn't know about. I love for people to tell me about stuff they think I'll like. I like talking about music. I like to write lyrics too.... but i'm not very good.... I actually haven't even written any in a year. I actually wrote my first one a year ago today so I guess that's what made me think of it. I'd never thought of writing before, but it just kinda came to me. It was odd. Words have popped in my head since then too, but I usually just turn them in to poems nowadays! :) I do have a notebook I keep ideas in so hopefully I can write more now since I won't be doing it for assignments. So I've finally put a playlist on here. I know it's a random assortment of songs, but I think it shows my wide taste range! The lyrics to all of these are good though. And every now and then maybe I'll put some more lyrics on here if I read some good ones......
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